ENGLISH ...

S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONALEVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONALRESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

oooooooooo

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).  It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". 

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used  to describe many situations:

1.Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"

2.Fraud............."I got fucked by the car dealer."

3.Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"

4.Trouble..........."I guess I'm fucked now."

5.Aggression........"FUCK YOU!"

6.Disgust..........."Fuck me."

7.Confusion........."What the fuck.......?"

8.Difficulty........"I don't understand this fucking business!"

9.Despair..........."Fucked again..."

10.Pleasure........."I fucking couldn't be happier."

11.Displeasure......"What the fuck is going on here?"

12.Lost............."Where the fuck are we."

13.Disbelief........"UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"

14.Retaliation......"Up your fucking ass!"

15.Denial..........."I didn't fucking do it."

16.Perplexity......."I know fuck all about it."

17.Apathy..........."Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

18.Greetings........"How the fuck are ya?"

19.Suspicion........"Who the fuck are you?"

20.Panic............"Let's get the fuck out of here."

21.Directions......."Fuck off."

22.Disbelief........"How the fuck did you do that?"

23.Innovation......."I need a bigger fucking hammer!"

It can be used in an anatomical description-   

"He's a fucking asshole."

It can be used to tell time-                                    

"It's five fucking thirty."

It can be used in business-                  

"How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

It can be maternal-                                      

"Motherfucker."

It can be political-                                       

"Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been  used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?"                                     

Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"

General Custer

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"

Captain of the Titanic

That’s not a real fucking gun."                                

John Lennon

"Who's going to fucking find out?"                          

Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."                           

Anne Boleyn

"What fucking map?"                                             

Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."               

Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"                                     

Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"                    

Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"

Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."                                                       

Walt Disney

"Why?- Because it's fucking there!"                         

Sir Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its going to fucking rain!"              

Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."                       

Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."       

John F. Kennedy

"Let the fucking woman drive."                                           

Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"

Ooooooooooooo

Euro-English.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c".  Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k".  This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less  letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the " f ".  This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a  deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of  the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".  During ze fift year, ze unesesary "0" kan  be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

             ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! UND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD!!!